SUCCESSFUL FAMILIES by C.G. Kanyenze

VISION GROWTH INTERNATIONAL
Article: 03 / 2010 (written by C.G Kanyenze)

SUCCESSFUL FAMILIES

‘If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his own family, he has disowned the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.’ 1 Timothy 5 v 8

I can’t say I have exhausted the major requirements of success if I omit the family factor in my writing. For success to be fulfilling, it needs to be evident in your own home. Success in public and failure at home will eventually amount to dismal failure. I have in mind the Bill Clinton, Tiger Woods and John Terry cases. Success is sweetest when you share it with the closest people you have in your life that is, your family. Companies are not insane in extending some of your benefits to your spouse and children like medical insurance, education etc. They know that they can’t get the most out of you with a neglected family at your back. The Bible goes on to say that if you neglect your own family you are worse than an unbeliever.

The pillars of a family are the husband and wife. If the pillars are strong then, the family structure can survive any ‘earthquake’. If the pillars are in discord the structure can crumble on the slightest pressure. This has led me to start these family series with what couples must do to make their marriages successful:-
Love one another. Jesus said they shall know that you are my disciples if you have love one for another John 13 v 35.The Bible in 1 John 4 v 8 goes to the extent of saying , ‘Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.’ You can’t have a happy marriage when you hate your spouse for whatever reason. Real love was defined in 1 Corinthians 13 v 4 – 8, ‘Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. LOVE NEVER ENDS….’
Thou shall not commit adultery (Exodus 20v14). Convince yourself and commit yourself only to your spouse and spouse alone. The Shona wise sociologists had this common phrase, `Zingizi gonyera pamwe maruwa enyika haaperi.’It can be paraphrased to, ‘There can be many beautiful ladies but you cannot love them all. Stick to one.’ Ask God for grace to only make him/her your only sexual partner. As much as you have convinced yourself that you can’t sleep with your brother or sister convince yourself that its taboo to have extra-marital affairs. Judge Willem Van Der Merwe told Jacob Zuma on his rape trial, ‘If you can control your body and your sexual urges, then you will be a man, my son.’ In no uncertain terms the Bible says in Proverbs 6 v 32 (R.S.V), ‘He who commits adultery has no sense; he who does it destroys himself.’
Forgive each other. Have you realised that someone else’s weaknesses or mistakes seem to be greater than yours. The truth is both of you think the same so, be rationale and be ready to forgive as you will also need it at some point. We all make mistakes that’s why the Bible says in 1 John 1 v 8 , ‘If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.’ Taking it from Jesus, He who is perfect let him/her cast the stones on his/her spouse. We all mess up at some point in our lives so there is need to forgive always till we are glorified on the second coming of Jesus. If I once fought and offended my brother and today we are closest of friends why cant spouses do the same? Divorce comes when one person gets to convince himself/herself that he/she is not going to forgive and terms that ‘irreconcilable differences with mate.’ Choose to forgive. Don’t keep grudges, conveniently air out your concern and move on. ‘He who covers an offence promotes love but, whoever repeats the matter separates intimate friends.’ (Proverbs 17v9). Repeating 1999 issues will not make your marriage better for progress sake please move on.
Respect each other. The best places to go are the places where you are respected. If you want your husband to be home in time respect him. If you want your wife to love you so much, respect her as well. Take heed of 1 Peter 3v 7 which says, ‘Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.’ Professional women get it from me,- men are not after business partners when looking for wives so don’t let your income earning capacity make you a husband as well. Give your husband the honour and position he deserves (Ephesians5 v 22, 23) and he is also compelled by God to love you as much as Christ loved the church Ephesians 5 v 25.
Be honest. How can you claim to be close to your spouse when you don’t tell him/her the truth? What makes you free is the truth according to John8 v32. You ought to be like Jesus who says in John 14 v 6, ‘I am the truth….’ If you choose to lie get this; ‘The devil is the father of lies when he speaks lies he is speaking his native language. (John8v 44). Don’t identify with the devil he is too evil to be your father. I asked a certain lady what is her biggest lesson from her marriage and to my amazement she said, ‘Never trust a man.’ That told me that someone became dishonest and unfaithful somewhere along the marriage highway.
Be confidential. Criticise privately and praise publicly. ‘A talebearer (gossiper) revealeth secrets: but he that is of a faithful spirit concealeth the matter.’ Proverbs 11v13. Who would like to divulge any meaningful information in his/her bedroom only to hear it told in the streets? Saying bad things about your spouse to your friends or relatives will not help to solve your issues. When you need counselling find counsellors who can be confided in.
Be focussed and committed to your marriage and family goals. Think, analyse and strategise to make your marriage the best it can be. You can do a SWOT analysis of your spouse and have strategic plans to deal with contentious issues with your mate. Haven’t you seen articles written on how to deal with a troublesome boss? Your spouse is not troublesome as such; so he/she can be dealt with tactically with wisdom from above. Strategic planning is not for businesses and companies alone. You can as well do family strategic planning to deal with difficult members. Sit down, plan, strategise, budget and implement family objectives together. How can two walk together unless they agree? You can’t make any progress with no common standpoint.
Appreciate each other and be each other’s cheer leader. Convince yourself that your spouse is the best person anyone could ever have had and tell him/her that. Make each other feel like a champion in everything. Let him/her walk on cloud nine. Be his/her greatest cheer leader (chief supporter). Celebrate your spouse’s victories more than anyone else on earth. Encourage each other good or bad times. This way you make yourself indispensable come what may. Make your home the best place you can ever be in. Don’t become your spouse’s worst adversary. Support your spouse through and through. Husbands remember your wives are still interested in those surprise gifts even after marriage. Wives don’t forget that your husbands are still as interested in seeing you looking splendid just like when you were still dating.
Have a teachable spirit. No one is perfect so you are someone who is being processed to become a real person. Your spouse is one person who would like to see you improve the most, so take his/her feedback as the active ingredient for your growth and not as criticism or a symbol of not being loved. Yes you can object on how it is said but don’t get to say, ‘I don’t want to hear about it.’ That’s denial of reality because your not hearing about it does not mean your spouse has no opinion on it. Admit correction and pay attention to issues in question. Don’t be defensive, just ask for his/her patience.
Use your tongue wisely and manage your anger. The wise wrote, ‘A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. (Proverbs 15v1). He goes further to radically point out, ‘Do you see a man who is hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him.’(Proverbs 29v20). In my opinion wrong use of words is the biggest cause of divorce. Adultery itself is a result of wrong use of words unless its rape. Pray like David, ‘Set a watch (guard), O lord, before my mouth, keep the door of my lips. Psalm 141 v 3. The Bible precisely state, ‘…let every man be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.’ (James 1 v 19).
Love your in-laws. A lady can’t hate her mother-in-law or father-in-law and expect a perfect relationship with her husband. At worst respect and love your husband’s parents just for birthing your spouse. Likewise the husband has a duty to love the in-laws as well since they are the people who brought about the existence of his beloved wife. Blood is at times thicker than the marriage bond; don’t poison your relationship by bad talking your in-laws especially to your spouse.
Remove the word divorce from your dictionary. If God hates divorce (Malachi 2v 16) why would like to provoke him by making it a possibility in your marriage. Remember divorce starts in the mind. If you make it an option the opportunity will always arise. If you disregard it only opportunities of reconciliation will arise.
Prepare for challenges and adversities. Be prepared to face challenges and be committed to do whatever it takes to overcome them. Most divorcees get to endure second marriages and they keep regretting thinking if only had they endured a bit longer in the first marriage , life could have been better. Accept it, challenges inevitably come; even Jesus told His disciples, "It is inevitable that stumbling blocks come…” (Luke 17v1). Accept the uniqueness of your spouse. Celebrate diversity of your opinions. You are two individuals who came together at times agree to disagree. Don’t win an argument but get further away from your spouse.

My Quotable Quote: Successful minds are grown in successful families.

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